Someone Else Before
by FieldOfPaperFlowers
Summary: Artemis deals with a clingy Minerva. A/H, of course, and it's flufftastic. Caution: Minerva fans will be offended. Serious Minerva hating going on here. Based on a song, but not really a songfic. R&R!


_Disclaimer: Don't own it, don't own it, don't own, don't own it, OMIGOSH I THINK I never mind, still don't own it…_

**Someone Else Before**

_The phone starts ringing again I think it's my girlfriend  
This time I know that it's finally over  
She keeps bringing me down, will this all turn around  
Right now I feel like I'm slowly dying  
_

Artemis Fowl sighed as the telephone began to ring again. It had been in constant one-way use since the day before. Angeline had wanted to take it off the hook, but Artemis the First had been expecting a call. It was becoming more and more unlikely that he would get that call.

Butler knocked on the door to Artemis the Second's study. "It's for you, Artemis," he said, sounding extremely stressed. This was perfectly acceptable. Artemis himself would have tired of delivering the same message every five minutes for forty-eight hours.

"Tell her I'm busy," Artemis requested. He heard Butler relay the message. This resulted in shrill screeching on the other end of the line. It easily drowned out Butler's protests.

Artemis wasn't heartless. "Give me the telephone, Butler." He walked to the door resignedly and took the phone from an obviously relieved Butler.

"Good luck, Artemis," Butler muttered as he fled down the hall.

Artemis put the phone to his ear and did his best to sound composed.

"Hello, Minerva."

This, of course, induced more screeching.

"Artemis! I'm speechless at your audacity!"

_If only_, he thought regretfully.

"Why haven't you contacted me?" she continued. "I've been trying to reach you! I left a few email messages that you can read from that box of dung you call a computer!"

Artemis raised an eyebrow at the hit to his computer. This expressed his frustration as much as was usual. He clicked onto his email (after passing several security clearances) and there were indeed a few email messages there. A small box popped up at the bottom of the screen.

"Welcome. You have 729 new messages."

Artemis sighed. "Yes, Minerva, I see that." He opened his inbox and stared bleakly at the long list of messages. They came from one address: , alternately named _Miss Minerva Paradizo_.

"Well? Do you have anything to say to me?" Minerva demanded.

"Yes, actually," Artemis answered, beginning to delete the messages one by one. "Don't you have anything better to do than harass me?"

"Ugh!" Minerva groaned. She was probably rolling her eyes, too; she had that tendency. "You are so impossible!" Muttering in French, she hung up.

Artemis turned the phone off easily and resumed his task of emptying his inbox.

_Minerva_…click…_Minerva_…click…_Holly_…what?

Artemis opened that email.

_You know I've heard it all before  
And now my eyes they run like faucets  
Until my tears are dry_

"…She's been calling me nonstop," Artemis told Holly Short over the communicator. He was relating the recent events to the elf.

"Well, sounds like you're handling it," Holly snickered.

"She called my computer a _box of dung_, Holly. I'm going to be ill," Artemis insisted. "I'm actually having a cookie. I think my psyche is permanent damaged."

"Because . . . you're eating a cookie?" Holly asked, confused.

"No," Artemis said. He took a bite from the cookie. "I don't know why I haven't done this before --- eating a cookie, I mean. It sounds so childish, but the taste is heavenly." He took another cookie from the plate. "Back to the Minerva problem, though…it's become quite irritating. She's so very distressing."

"Are you two… together?" Holly asked coolly. The restrained displeasure in her voice did not escape Artemis, but he didn't comment.

"Technically, no, but we never officially broke up," Artemis muttered. **(A/N: This is pain.)**

"There's your answer, then." Holly's voice maintained an icy composure. "She thinks you're still dating. While we're on the subject," she added offhandedly, "did you two ever, erm, kiss or anything?"

Artemis flushed a little, even though he knew Holly couldn't see him. "We…might have…happened to…have one kiss. But it's doesn't mean anything!" he added hurriedly. **(A/N: I nearly died typing this.)**

Holly's tone was even icier now. "Hmm. Well, then. Why don't you go call your lovely girlfriend now like a good little Mud Boy? I think I hear Foaly calling."

"No, Holly, wait—"

The other communicator terminated the conversation. Artemis looked at his joylessly and turned it off as well. He would call Holly again later and straighten that out.

_She said we were in love  
I take a sip of my water  
I guess we'll carry on at last  
She still thinks it's my fault  
And I'm nobody at all  
She must have thought I was someone else before_

Minerva's calling quickly resumed after a few minutes. Artemis finally grew tired enough of it to agree to take the phone off the hook. Artemis Senior gave his contact another number, and that was that.

Artemis Junior was finishing his deletion of the emails from Minerva when the screen of his beloved computer went black.

Or, at least, it went black for a second.

What popped up made him wish for the black.

"Artemis Fowl!" Minerva shrieked. A small box projected her image in all its fury. Artemis made a mental note to check his modem for bugs later. But for now he had a different kind of pest to deal with.

"Miss Paradizo, really, is this necessary?"

The female genius's eyes narrowed. "It is, you _eejit_, and you know it." **(A/N: "Eejit" is slang for "idiot." I think it's Irish, but its origin isn't important.)**

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "No name-calling, if you please. It's crude."

Minerva scoffed. "Crude. _Crude_? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." She shook her head a little with each "no," creating a spastic effect. "Shutting off the telephone lines is crude, you---you ---you---" She searched for a cruel enough word.

Artemis waited.

"—you jerk!" Minerva snapped, apparently unable to think of anything better on short notice. It had its effect, though. Artemis lowered his eyebrow and raised the other one instead. An epiphany.

"As opposed to what, may I ask? Blocking both my inbox and the aforementioned telephone line?" Artemis couldn't help but be sarcastic.

"You," Minerva sputtered, "you're just…" She once again searched for that all-elusive final word.

Artemis began examining his fingernails as her rant continued.

_I'm not so special now, I always knew it somehow  
I guess she never had guts to tell me  
Is it my spiked blond hair, that fact my chest is bare  
Or that my wardrobe is all in black, it's all in black  
It's all in black, you want me back?  
Well I won't be back  
_

"…no, I don't think you _do_ understand," Minerva huffed. Her face was slightly red from her venting.

"I'm sure I do. After all, you have explained my faults to me in minute detail for the last—" He checked the clock. "—thirty-nine minutes and forty-seven seconds, not to mention all the other times."

"See? That's just what I'm talking about! You think you're better than me because you're male. Well, I have news for you, O Mighty Male. I am just as intelligent as you are, if not more so. I can do anything you can do, and I can do it well!"

Artemis sighed. "That's wonderful, Minerva. It's always nice to see modesty in today's genii."

"You want to talk to me about modesty?" Minerva snorted. "Modesty. Such a funny word. Somehow when I see you, it's not the first thing that comes to my mind. You, with your pretentious Armani suits and your obnoxious vocabulary….you are in no position, _none_, to lecture me about modesty."

Artemis allowed himself a small smile. "Well, I'm most pleased to know your opinion of my personal quirks. It's nice not to have to be bothered anymore with someone who doesn't especially care about me."

Minerva's eyes widened and her voice grew so sweet it could have been layered with the fairy _mesmer_. "Oh no, Arty, that's not at all what I meant to project. What I had intended to say is that I do wish you would visit---"

Artemis cut her off. "Yes, I'm sure that's what you meant. However, I have more pressing things to deal with. I may call you in a month. I may not. Frankly, I'm currently in favor of the latter."

Minerva's expression began to look like a sad child's. "But Aaaaartyyy…"

Artemis's eyes flashed cold blue and hazel. "Be sure not to harass your next victim, I mean boyfriend, similarly. By the way, do not call me Arty." He yanked out the power, and Minerva's offended image pixilated into nothing.

A knock sounded from the door.

"It's all right, Butler. I'm alive. You may come in." Artemis cautiously plugged in is computer and began sifting through everything, looking for bugs.

_Because you're always keeping score  
But now the scorecard's in my pocket  
And now the match is won  
_

Artemis explained the Minerva situation to Butler, who looked contemplative.

"Please tell me that counts as a breakup," Artemis said in what could be interpreted as a pleading tone.

Butler looked down at his charge. ""I think that it does," he said reassuringly.

Artemis smiled, pleased, and resumed his computer check. Butler stood nearby, sensing something else coming.

A small data cookie highlighted in blue as Artemis passed the mouse cursor over it. He clicked, intrigued. The data that scrolled down the screen was not of his own make, and besides that, some was in French. He allowed himself a small smirk and deleted Minerva's virus. He found nothing else dangerous in his data and hoped that would be the end of that.

He felt the urge to confide in Butler.

"…Now that I look back, she really was quite a nuisance, wasn't she, Butler?" Artemis mused. Butler nodded slightly. **(A/N: Ha, ha. Ha, ha. Ha, ha.)** "She called daily, she monitored my contacts, she flew over every school holiday…my goodness, Butler, how did I not realize?"

"Artemis, if I may," Butler interjected hesitantly, "she was your first crush. As they say, love is blind."

"I understand your point, old friend," said Artemis, "but your quote is misplaced. It was a 'crush'--- only a crush. It was not love." That was certain, and even the crush was unstably founded. Most, if not all, of their interaction was a competition of some sort.

"I thought you enjoyed your intellectual banter," Butler stated, almost a question.

"At first," Artemis admitted, "she was quite intriguing. It was nice to speak to someone and have her actually know what I meant." He closed his eyes, thinking. "She reminds me too much of my old self, though, and everything was competition. Really, Butler, it was horrid. Every time she beat me at something, she flaunted it."

Butler nodded sympathetically.

Artemis opened a drawer and took out a small piece of paper. "I found this one day after she had left." He unfolded it and showed the manservant a handwritten chart. "She was keeping track of every time she beat me at something."

Sure enough, there were columns and rows, all labeled, some checked, most unchecked.

"When I found this, I had already been having some doubts about the relationship. This merely confirmed my theory --- that I was just another genius."

Butler couldn't help but sneak a word in edgewise. "She was self-possessed, Artemis. That's not your fault. I know one person in particular, however, who would never dream of doing that sort of thing." He raised an eyebrow, a mirror image of his charge. Well, besides his being Eurasian, over seven feet tall, and bald.

Artemis accepted the not-so-subtle hint. _Holly_. He did want to call her on the communicator, to straighten out the gray area from earlier. Now would be the perfect time to call her.

_She said we were in love  
I take a sip of my water  
I guess we'll carry on at last  
She still thinks it's my fault  
And I'm nobody at all  
She must have thought I was someone else before_

"So you're not dating anymore?" Holly asked finally.

Artemis nodded, then remembered she couldn't see him. "That's correct."

"Well," Holly said archly, "now what?"

"I'm actually rather bored, now that I don't have to spend every waking moment of my life fending against a female genius stalker," Artemis said casually. He smiled a little when Holly laughed. "Maybe you could come to visit sometime?"

"All right," Holly replied, a smile hanging on the tone of her voice.

"When can you come?" Artemis asked, glad that Holly seemed to have forgiven his situation with Minerva.

"How about…now?" Holly suggested. The elf seemed to materialize out of thin air, smirking at Artemis's startled expression. "Scare you, did I?" she asked, relaxed.

"No," Artemis insisted. He still hadn't gotten used to the Section 8 suits, which didn't leave a shimmer in the air when its wearer was shielding.

"Right," Holly said skeptically. She peeked onto his computer screen. "What's this?"

"Nothing really," Artemis said hastily, exiting out of the program.

"Hmm," Holly said, making a mental note to sneak onto his computer at some point.

"So, do you need anything in particular?" Artemis stood, changing the subject.

"I'm hurt, Arty," Holly said, mock-pouting. "Can't I just drop by for a visit?"

"_No_," Artemis replied emphatically.

Holly covered her mouth as she giggled. Artemis hesitantly reached out and removed her hand. He leaned in closer…closer…closer…

…only to find Holly's free hand covering his lips.

"I can't," Holly whispered, with a rather regretful look on her face.

Artemis looked at the floor, a faint pink tint to his pale face.

"I understand." He did. To an extent.

They stood there awkwardly for a minute or two.

Artemis made the first effort to lighten the mood in the room. "So how's everything belowground?"

Holly acknowledged his effort. "Pretty good. Foaly's going insane inventing things, and Mulch and Doodah are PI'ing."

Artemis decided to approach a sensitive subject. "And how are _you_?"

Holly glanced up at him, her forehead creasing a little. "Why?" she asked suspiciously.

Artemis held up his hands innocently. "I'm sorry, Holly. It was just a question. I didn't mean anything by it." He eyed her distressed expression. "However, if something is going on, I am always willing to listen."

Holly contemplated this, then leaned against the wall. "It's nothing, really. I've just been thinking recently…about Commander Root…and my parents…and how it seems like everyone I love dies…" Her eyes filled with tears. A solitary tear slid down her cheek, and she wiped it away quickly, but not quickly enough to avoid Artemis's notice.

Artemis reached out and pulled Holly into a hug. Her hands clutched into fists in his clothes, and she cried into his shirt. Not being very good with female emotions, Artemis just held her close and whispered soothingly in her ear.

Holly's sobs eventually quieted, and she looked up at the pale teenager. "I'm sorry, Arty. I messed up your shirt," she whispered as she noticed the wet spot on the front of his shirt. She made a weak attempt to dry it.

"It's fine, Holly, really." Artemis caught her hands and removed them from his shirt. "I don't care." He released her.

Holly smiled feebly up at him. "Aw, I'm sorry again. I should come back when I'm not feeling so emotional. You're not the most girl-proficient boy I know."

"Technically, I'm a man," Artemis corrected her, "not a boy." He hoped to cheer the elf. It seemed to have the desired effect.

Holly laughed. "How could I forget?" She punched him lightly on the shoulder. "You'll always be a Mud Boy to me, though. Arty the Mud Boy."

Artemis jumped a little when he heard Minerva's voice again, coming from…the sky? WTC?! He would have Butler do a full-grounds check for the French girl's bugs later.

"Artyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!" she shrieked piercingly. "We weren't done talking!!!!!"

Artemis groaned. "I beg to differ," he said coldly, looking up searchingly at the ceiling. He located a small dot in a corner that he hadn't noticed before.

Holly caught his eye. For a second, her hand flitted towards her Neutrino on the belt of her suit.

Artemis winced as Minerva's earsplitting screeching continued.

"You have an obligation to me to contact me EVERY DAY—"

"I most certainly do not—" Artemis interjected indignantly. **(A/N: Hehehe. That's a fun phrase. "Interjected indignantly." Try saying it 5 times fast. 8D O.o Back to the fanfic.)**

Holly cut in. "Minerva, stop being so clingy. He _doesn't_ have an obligation to you." She leaned forward and up and planted a kiss on Artemis's lips. "Have a nice day." Lips still on the teenager's, Holly took out her Neutrino and blasted the mini-camera.

The multicolored sparks of electricity rained down unnoticed on the two. Artemis breathed in Holly's scent --- she smelled like cinnamon mixed with something foreign but sweet.

Holly eventually broke the kiss, a light smile settling on her face.

Artemis smirked, characteristically vampire-like. "What happened to 'I can't'?" he asked jokingly.

"I changed my mind," Holly said innocently. She fired another round from the gun into the ceiling just to be sure Minerva's bug was totally useless. "For example, I'm not going to kiss you anymore." She kissed him suddenly. "Whoops, there I go again, changing my mind."

Artemis smiled and took her hand. "I'm not so bothered with that sort of change of mind."

_She said we were in love  
I take a sip of my water  
I guess we'll carry on at last  
She still thinks it's my fault  
And I'm nobody at all  
She must have thought I was someone else before_


End file.
